It’s the first Weekly News where we look at this past week’s satire, good, and weird/funny news. Let’s get started:

Did you hear the one about the dead shark found on a NYC train? No one knows how it got there. I mean, all those people…the city that never sleeps…and we still don’t know…

No more fat kids! And I’m not trying to be funny here. The obesity rate for kids is dropping! Let’s celebrate by eating some cake…oh wait…

Okay now we’ve talked about some crazy news. And in my research, I’ve seen some stuff. But this is one of the oddest things. You ever have a problem finding a parking spot at the grocery store? Perhaps you live in an apartment complex or at least visiting someone and can’t get a spot? Welp, in London there’s a parking spot up for sale…for$465,000. What in the bloody…but wait, you own it for 91 years. It’s leased to you for 91 years. Just, wow.

I always have mixed feelings about this type of news but we have thieves that stole a lot of computers from a non profit organization. And then they returned them to the organization because it was a non profit. They left a really nice note of apology. Thanks for returning but let’s not steal anything else, okay?

Looks like squeezing breasts can hold off cancer. I’d love to lend a hand, or two.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned how a couple of African students invented a soap that repelled mosquitoes and therefore slowed the spread of malaria. Well, now there’s a vaccine for malaria too. And it’s proven to be 100% effective.

We have a blind chef that was poised to start culinary school He had some special stuff to help him out since he was blind. But, then someone broke into his house and stole the stuff. So what now? Welp, the kindness of local residents donating hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yay.

This news is heavy. There’s a doctor that will give you plastic surgery for you finding his future wife. I know. And click the link to see his near impossible to meet standards. Man. And I thought I was picky when I mentioned my list.

We have chocolate covered ivory. So that’s cool.

Sure, I hate school but that doesn’t mean it has to be a negative experience for everyone. There’s a Florida attorney that is gathering donations in the form of school supplies for kids and stuffing them in backpacks for young students. Nice.

Tom Brady sprained his knee and the state of Massachusetts is taking the necessary steps to make sure he doesn’t make things worse by evacuating the whole town of its residents.

And that’s the news of the week. Thanks for reading!

-DALANEL