I haven’t posted jokes in a while. So…um…here ya go.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

That’s messed up, but I’ll bet she’ll be quiet from now on.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth… After that, everything else was Made in China.

That was brilliant.

A duck walks into a bar and says, “Got any bread?”
The barman says, “No, this is a bar, we don’t have bread.”
So the duck says, “Got any bread?”
The barman says, “No, this is a bar, we don’t have bread. I told you that.”
“Got any bread?” asks the duck.
“No, we don’t sell bread here… and if you say that again I will nail you to the table!!!!”
The duck pauses then says, “Got any nails?”
“No,” sighs the barman.
So the duck says…”Got any bread?”

What’s up with the bread? Why keep asking? Also, don’t make empty threats. This was pretty good.

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn’t look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn’t responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air, he says: “Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ….” John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral, John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
‘And, she asks with tearful eyes,”was it that he loved me? ” “I do not know,” said the man, “but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d’tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ….” The widow screams and faints. “What?” John asks startled to the daughter, “what did he say, what does that mean?” And the crying daughter says:  “You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git.”

OOPS!

A boy and a blonde a stranded, in a blazing hot desert. They walk for miles and come across a shop. The boy buys food and water for the journey whilst the blonde bought a car door. “What will you do with a car door?” asked the boy and the blonde replies, “So that I can roll down the window for fresh hair when it gets too hot”

Oh no…oh boy. That’s…wait a minute. Did the shop have a phone? They couldn’t get any help? Great, this is why people tell me I think too much. I should just enjoy the joke and move on.

Dad shouts …..”STOP WATCHIN P*RN….I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!”
Son: Dad…I am NOT watching p*rn….. That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!!!

HahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…whew. I’ve been there!

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

You know what? I have to admit, as much as I’m #teamjesus, that swimming through land thing is something to behold…

Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

Oh DAAAAAAAAAYYYYUM!

A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset. His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes. Bought things from the shop. The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet. Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, “Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him.”
The manager looks around. “We don’t have much, I’m afraid. Just this centipede here”
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out. “Go and bring me a beer from the fridge”, he asks. The centipede got to work straight away. “Go and run a bath for me”. The centipede did as asked once again. The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede “Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please” The centipede does this. An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn’t yet gone to the shop.
“I thought I told you to go to the shop?”
The centipede replies “GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!”

On that note, I am out of here. Let me know which one of these was the funniest.