funny comics

Daily Good Stuff 199

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We  are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. Barack Obama
badkitty

Weekly Funnies 20

So it’s been 20 weeks, huh? Doesn’t seem that long. Hm? Oh you just want the funnies? Let me be quiet then. Have fun!

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture… ”

___ AND HAPPINESS cyanide-and-happiness-head – FU

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.

Then he asked  “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?

“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.  He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moonchild”?

“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious”

iLOL'd - 10_12_2013 10_06_19 AM

 

As a mother passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout  with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old,unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone.”

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.! Please, go away and leave me alone.”

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the heck are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

-DALANEL

Daily Good Stuff 196

A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less  than his share of the credit. Arnold H.  Glasow

At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever. His dominion is an eternal dominion; his kingdom endures from generation to generation. All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: “What have you done?” Daniel 4:34-35
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Daily Good Stuff 194

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. Bill Cosby

“Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17
comichomelesslottery1
Well…it is better…

Weekly Funnies 19

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say “Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!” Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I r…ush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.
He got her latest book “Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do – And They Were Wrong”, waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. “Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you”, he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. “What did you say” asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.
After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, “Its your fault I’m in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date”. “Oh no” said his friend “she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion.”
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A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Mortician: “How can you tell?”
Al: “George had two assholes.”
Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”
Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”
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Daily Good Stuff 190

Remember one my 100th DGS, when I selected my favorites from 1-99? Welp, expect the same scenario. I’ll pick my favorites from 101-199. Just a heads up. Okay, on with the post.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its  shoes. Charles  Spurgeon

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.
Luke 12:2-3
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Oh that brings me back!