Weekly Funnies 14

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

Oh he got ’em good!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Oh man! What about a photo:

funny111

 

YEAH!

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Daily Good Stuff 155

There is no limit to the power of loving. John Morton

Now Daniel so distinguished himself among the administrators and the satraps by his exceptional qualities that the king planned to set him over the whole kingdom. At this, the administrators and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent. Finally these men said, “We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God.” Daniel 6:3-5

Funny-jokes

Ha! I know what I’m using if I ever get into a relationship.

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Daily Good Stuff 138: The Return

I’m back! It’s a new month and first off I have to say something about July: July viewing almost doubled June’s viewing, and June was the best month. I don’t know where the summer explosion came from (actually, I do thanks to WordPress’ stats), but I’m glad it came. And I fully expect August to do even better than July. My play and video series are coming to a close but I’m counting on my past work to carry the load as you saw in my earlier post today.

DGS is gonna be good too. More themed posts. More fun.

Let’s get today off on the right track.

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. Jimmy Dean

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

Funny-Text-Messages-Potassium

 

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Daily Good Stuff 113: Independence Day

July 4th. USA! USA! USA! You already know what today is so I’m not going to dive into this long story or whatever. I will say that I’m going to attempt to make this a themed post.

Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the “Pledge of Allegiance”*** and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her. As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, ‘I pledge allegiance to the flag……..’, when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

‘Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,’ she demands. Andy looks up and replies, ‘It is over my heart.’ After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte inquires, ‘Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?’

‘Well Miss,’ answers Andy, ‘because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, “Bless your little heart,” and my Grandma never lies.’

Welp! And now for a video of fireworks…fails…

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Daily Good Stuff 110

Ah we made it to July. My favorite month. After a weekend of abbreviated DGS, I am back to full speed. Joke, video, images, quote, scripture, good news, and weird/funny news. Are you ready? Then let’s go!

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

Ha! I love Bible jokes. Alright here’s a video:

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Daily Good Stuff 107

It’s Friday! TGIF and all that good stuff. Let’s get started right away.

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

“Er.. about two minutes ago.”

Impressive. Foolish, but impressive. Video? Of course!

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