funny images

Daily Good Stuff 100: The Best of DGS

I can’t believe I held on to make it to day 100. This calls for a celebration! And so, I will be picking my favorites from each post. My top five for each item:

  • video
  • image
  • gif
  • joke
  • quote
  • scripture
  • weird/funny news
  • good news
  • news satire

So this will be a very long post but also familiar. If you joined late, perhaps take a tour of the Good Stuff from the past. Also, Daily Good Stuff is a combination of two former features “Weekly Funnies” and “Good Friday” so check those posts out too. But I am only taking content from the DGS posts. We’ll go by the regular order so first up are my five favorite jokes:

#1: A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migraines too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!” “Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.” “By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “you have a REALLY nice house.”

#2: A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

#3: A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

#4: Ten Things You Wouldn’t Know Without Movies

  1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
  2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
  5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

#5: A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’”

And onto the best videos:

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Daily Good Stuff 99

Let’s do this!

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

“Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. “Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?”

“I would be half blind of course,” Patty answered without much thought. “What would happen if I poked out the other eye?” “I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom.The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. “Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?” “I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. “Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?” “I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”

Aha! Good one, Mike. And now for a video:

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Daily Good Stuff 98

It’s Wednesday. Hump day. So saddle up for another day of good stuff. I need to make an announcement first. June 17, you set a record for most views in a day for the site. The previous high was in May. But, I don’t know if June will be able to catch up with May. Right now, June is in second place all time so only May 2013 is ahead of it. We’ll see. Thanks for the support as it seems you are enjoying the stuff you see here at DALANEL. And now to the joke:

The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant.

“Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady’s breasts.

He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

“Young lady,” he finally announced, “no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!”

“Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”

Oh my goodness! Where was the sister? Also, I don’t think doctors randomly start sucking nipples, right ladies? Otherwise I need to change professions-HEY I’M KIDDING. Here’s a video:

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Daily Good Stuff 97

Tuesday is gonna be terrific, isn’t it? I bet it will be. Did you see the latest scene of my play posted earlier this morning? Check it out. And now, let’s get to the good stuff.

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?” “Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Same here. Alright well let’s look at this video:

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Daily Good Stuff 96

Closer and closer to day 100. So I hope dad’s day was a success for you. It was for me. Oh, I’m no father. Eh, let’s get to the stuff that ya came for, okay?

First off, the joke:

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”

“Nine…”

Aw man. Time is short, huh? Real short. And now here’s a video:

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Daily Good Stuff 95: Father’s Day

It’s Daddy day! In my elementary school, they would invite the dads to school for lunch in what was called “Dads and Doughnuts”. Moms were with muffins. Yum. My dad was one of just a few that would show up though. Yeah. Plenty of moms though. Anyway, it’s a father post today and we’ll get it kicked off with a joke.

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?” Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he thinks, what the heck, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: “So what did you want to know about sex for?” “Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

When I realized the punch line for this joke I fell out laughing. That’s a lie I just laughed out loud for a few “secs”. Brilliant. If you don’t get it, I’m sorry but ask somebody or keep reading until you do get it. In the meantime, here’s a video of dads but you knew it would be about dads:

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