funny texts

Weekly Funnies 20

So it’s been 20 weeks, huh? Doesn’t seem that long. Hm? Oh you just want the funnies? Let me be quiet then. Have fun!

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture… ”

___ AND HAPPINESS cyanide-and-happiness-head – FU

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.

Then he asked  “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?

“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.  He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moonchild”?

“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious”

iLOL'd - 10_12_2013 10_06_19 AM

 

As a mother passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door,she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout  with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old,unmarried,and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone.”

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.! Please, go away and leave me alone.”

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the heck are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law.”

-DALANEL

Weekly Funnies 19

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

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A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say “Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!” Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I r…ush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.
He got her latest book “Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do – And They Were Wrong”, waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. “Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you”, he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. “What did you say” asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.
After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, “Its your fault I’m in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date”. “Oh no” said his friend “she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion.”
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A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Mortician: “How can you tell?”
Al: “George had two assholes.”
Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”
Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”
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Daily Good Stuff 189

It’s the middle of the week. I’ve been on a writing tear lately with 11 posts since Saturday. My Wedturday posts are going into November. Oh, Wedturday is a combination of Wednesday and Saturday which are the days I normally post non featured posts. Anyway, I should be slowing it down a bit as I get myself together with this cantata. I have a really cool helper this year. She helped me last year too so she’s got some experience too. I’ll let you know in a post in a week or two.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Khalil Gibran

Since an overseer is entrusted with God’s work, he must be blameless — not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it. Titus 1:7-9
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Yo…that was heavy.

Daily Good Stuff 186

We gotta survive the rest of the week, y’all. We got this.

Family is not an important thing. It’s everything. Michael J. Fox

Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16
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Yo…my mom does this to me all the time. All. OF THE. TIME. Terrible. I’m not kidding.

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

That was good.

Next time you go grocery shopping, it could end up being paid for. Kinda. Just look:

It appears a kind soul has been leaving cash in various stores around the Salem, Ore., area, including a Fred Meyer grocery store and a Wal-Mart, where customers have so far found more than $2,000 worth of $100 bills. They have reported finding $100 bills inside egg cartons, candles and inside boxes of cookies and ice cream cones at multiple locations.

Yup. The whole story is here.

Okay that’s it. Enjoy your weekend!

-DALANEL

Weekly Funnies 17: Some favorites

It’s that time again! Time for some funnies. We’ll be looking at a few of my favorite jokes and pictures. I say, it’s still funny the second time around.

 

 

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”

Sounds painful!

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Transformers: Children in disguise.

Continue reading →

Daily Good Stuff 175

It’s Thursday. You know it. I know it. I’m feeling better today than yesterday. My computer’s decided to work today so let’s make it happen. Still, I’m not doing videos until I’m upgraded to a new laptop.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person — such a man is an idolater — has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Ephesians 5:3-5
When the power of love overcomes the love of power the  world will know peace. Jimi Hendrix
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