Authorities in Willingboro, N.J. found head blogger of the wildly mediocre blog, DALANEL, in a fetal position crying about the Philadelphia 76ers’ latest loss.
When his mother settled him down, Dante, as he was named shortly after birth, was mumbling about how his girlfriend left him. When authorities realized that Dante’s girlfriend was, in fact, a stuffed animal, they locked his room down.
“Yeah, I thought it would be some really ugly babe”, said Captain Maxwell Warner, who had interviewed the delirious Dante. “He’s certainly not capable of getting even a decent looking gal, in my professional pinion. God, knows when he showed me the wallet sized picture of a stuffed animal in a dress, I done nearly lost my freaking mind! Knowing guys his age, he probably wants to take over the world, or something, so we locked him down.”
Reporters questioned Dante’s father for answers.
“Heck if I know what he does in his bedroom. He’s a 22 year old virgin. I’m surprised the animal is still soft.”
Psychologists searched Dante’s room for answers to his apparent mental breakdown.