Weekly Funnies 14

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

Oh he got ’em good!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

Oh man! What about a photo:

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YEAH!

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Daily Good Stuff 163

The one thing we can never get enough of is love. And the one thing we never give enough is love. Henry Miller

Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Matthew 22:37

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Sorry but that was funny to me!

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Daily Good Stuff 162

Like I mentioned last week, Daily Good Stuff has moved to just Monday-Friday instead of the usual 7 days a week. Weekly News and Weekly Funnies round out the weekend so you’re still getting good stuff everyday. There is one issue I need to address. I told you how each day of DGS would have a certain video and image associated with it. On Sunday there would be a Demotivational photo and a short sermon. Tuesday was Meme and TV bloopers. I never did have anything slotted for Saturday so I have six days of material with only five days to work with. So I’m going to have to drop a video type and photo type: Funny signs and funny spoofs/parodies. Now, this doesn’t mean they are gone forever as they can still show up on Weekly Funnies. It just so happens that those two features were both on Friday so it’ll be easier to shift things around. Here’s the list you can expect to see now:

Images:

  • Monday: Demotivational
  • Tuesday: Comic strip
  • Wednesday: Meme
  • Thursday: GIF
  • Friday: Funny texts

Videos:

  • Monday: Short sermon
  • Tuesday: Stand-Up Comedian
  • Wednesday: TV bloopers
  • Thursday: Fails/Wins
  • Friday: Funny Pranks

And of course you have the scripture, quote, joke, good and weird/funny news. Did ya get all of that?

Let’s get started.

Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. Psalm 119:111

Just to be clear, “Your” is referring to “God”.

Honor lies in honest toil. Grover Cleveland

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Yup. She’ll end up frenching bit-er we better move on with that video:

Great stuff there. Okay now for a joke:

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the heck did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

Oh…that is just SICK! If you didn’t get that one, then good for you. If you got it, high five! Let’s see what’s going on with the latest news, shall we?

Welp, don’t ya just hate when you have a funeral for a complete stranger? Well, that’s what happened in Philly as a service was held for a woman…a woman that was apparently still alive. Now, the casket had a body in it which was identified by relatives as the correct woman. Oops. The woman showed up two weeks after the funeral. Mmkay. Seems it was an honest mix-up; no faking death. But, in the end, there’s no details about how this all could’ve happened. What happened to the woman for people to believe she died? They thought she died…what did they say the cause of death was? Is she mentally stable (she showed up at a mental institution)? This is one of those stories I’ll be keeping an eye on so hopefully I’ll have an update for you soon.

Oh man…here’s a great story. Lego calls this kid a hero for his charity work. And, it’s Lego so you know legos are involved. They built a life size statue of the 10 year old. Stay classy, Lego.

-DALANEL

Weekly Funnies 13

So yet another change. Weekly Funnies will be on Sundays and Weekly News will be on Saturdays. Daily Good Stuff will run Monday-Friday. DALANEL Review sticks to Thursday and the play and video series are done (two more videos this week though). As I mentioned in an earlier post today, the blog suffered a major setback and I’m scrambling around, trying to figure out if I did anything wrong. I don’t think so though.

Anyway, those of you that bothered to show up came here to have a good time. So let’s get to it. Whether it’s one view or 1,000, I welcome all at DALANEL. I couldn’t help but notice that the most viewed post of all time at DALANEL is Weekly Funnies 6. The next three posts are Daily Good Stuff posts. So, again, I think I’m doing the right thing here. I guess I’m stale.

A doctor at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: “Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled: “Down Nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled: “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied: “Well…everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled, `PEANUTS!’.”

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Daily Good Stuff 161

Some of us might find happiness if we quit struggling so desperately for it. William Feather

What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! Romans 6:21

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Daily Good Stuff 160

Okay so we made it to another day.

The Lord says: “These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. Therefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish.” Isaiah 29:13-14

I have no riches but my thoughts. Yet these are wealth enough for me. Sara Teasdale

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Don’t you hate when that happens?

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